You're so vain you probably think this isn't about you...

You walked on to the yacht like you were walking into a party

Your look stolen from Warren Beaty, your lines were Mick Jagger

You could have had any woman in the room

The old, the senile, the blind drunk were all yours for the taking...

So why the fuck did you hit on me?

I carefully constructed my responses to your questions

Making sure the box I put you back in had a secure lock

Something with a few air holes and a cast iron base

If I couldn't get rid of you politely

The very least I could do was drown you to protect the human race.

A few days later a friend asked if they could pass on my number

"The guy sitting opposite?  Sure!" thinking of the hottie to your left

No one in their right mind could think a female would want you calling

I really need to find some friends in their right fucking mind.

So... 3 months later what did I learned from you?

Never date a guy because his parents are nice.

If he takes you out to to a steak and pasta house 

after you've explained you're a coeliac vegetarian walk off.

If a guy doesn't listen on the first date he won't listen on the third.

What I wish he'd learn?  Rubbing my bottom for an hour isn't foreplay

Making moves on me while I pretend to be asleep is creepy

If you can't handle crowds don't date the youngest of seven

Leave the beard... anything that helps cover up your face 

Anything that helps hide who you really are

Works to your advantage.